Time Out

Timeout is a tool to help you AVOID VIOLENCE. When you notice your escalation (feeling angry, tense and stressed out), take a break to COOL DOWN, sort out the issues and remain non-abusive. If you take responsibility for your feelings, issues and behavior, then you will take TIMEOUT and NOT ABUSE anyone.

Step 1 - PREPARATION 

This step needs to happen before your next escalation. Find a time when both you and your partner are not busy or stressed out. Ask if your partner is willing to discuss timeouts with you.  You can ask (not demand) for another time if your partner does not want to talk with you now. When you discuss timeout, communicate that you will use timeout to end your own abusive behavior, and you will talk about it later when you come back. Also set up a signal (forming a "T" with your hands works well), so your partner knows you are leaving for a timeout, not trying to avoid the problems. Remember that if you deliberately misuse timeouts, you are being abusive. Also, it is up to you, not your partner, to take responsibility for taking timeouts when you need them.

Step 2 - LEAVING

Get away from the person. Leave the house or area. You cannot abuse the person if you are not with them. Make sure you and they know where you will meet them later if you are not home when you take your timeout.

Step 3 - AFTER LEAVING

Give yourself at least 25 minutes to calm down mentally and physically. Don't drive, drink, or use drugs. Practice relaxation and letting go. Take a walk or do another non-aggressive physical exercise. Concentrate on your breathing. Tell yourself to calm down, relax, let go, think straight. Stop your angry thoughts with more realistic self-talk. Remember, your partner is not the enemy.

Step 4 - BEFORE RETURNING

Call a buddy or crisis line to get another opinion and perspective on the matter. Another person can also help you sort out your feelings, thoughts and wants. Discuss a positive plan of action for returning. This can involve listening, assertive communication, and finding compromises that you can both live with. You can call home before returning and ask if your partner is willing to talk about it when you return.

Step 5 - RETURNING

Return and practice the skills you are learning in group. Use the feedback from your call and stay calm. Take another timeout if you escalate again. Give yourself credit when you use this skill successfully.